Is this entry long overdue? Yes. Do I promise to let that never happen again? No. I have my faults. Please add “does not regularly update blog site” to the list. Here’s what’s recently on my mind.
Life is hard. I’ve made some seriously poor choices to get me where I am today. 95% of the time I like here. However, that other 5% seems to hit me like a freight train all at once sending me into a downward spiral of “what if”s and “if only”s (wait, are those the same thing?). I understand I’m supposed to have faith and know it’s all for a reason, a purpose I’ll one day learn, but that’s a struggle at times. I don’t want to have too many regrets. I hope this feeling passes soon.
I hate winter. I hate darkness. I hate cold. Why do we celebrate the turning of a year on December 31st? Why is that the end of the year and January the beginning? I want August to be the end and September to be the new year. Every year as school approaches I think about this. I ponder it. We are trained since going into Kindergarten that September represents a new year. A new grade. New friends. A new start. A better school year. Leaves are falling. Nature is changing. I would much rather party my ass off and have my kids stay up till midnight on August 31st in celebration of a new year, than smack dab in the middle of the cold dark wetness we do now. Just saying.
How do you know if you are/have been in love? I don’t know if my heart is capable of that level of depth. Is anyone? Are we fooling ourselves into thinking “in love” is a thing? Did Hollywood do this to us?
Having children is scary. It’s a gamble. You want them. You have them. Yet you don’t know what you are going to have. You just go into the adventure full throttle and hope for the best. Boy, girl, pretty, shy, blue eyes, good genes, etc. You don’t know. You get what you get and that’s supposed to be it (“you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit” is what we say in the preschool setting). That’s supposed to be good enough. Anyone out there raising a challenging child knows what I am talking about. Anyone out there raising and easy and non-challenging child, count your blessings every day (however, I don’t think those children exist lol). Although my challenge of a child has taught me unconditional love, and an (almost) endless amount of patience, and the knowledge of how to raise her and give advice to others in similar situations, sometimes it’s draining. Acknowledging that doesn’t make me a bad parent, just an honest one.
Life hurts. If you don’t have someone to catch you when you fall it hurts even worse. If you do have someone to catch you but they take a step back and let you fall anyways, your heart can break in ways that you didn’t know existed. And like a coffee cup, with enough breaks, can it truly be put back together?
I don’t talk enough (not the chatty type, the vulnerable type of talk). I’ve always been told this. It isn’t going to change. I don’t mind it. I wish other people accepted it easier. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them or trust them with my heart and feelings, I’m just broken.
This is not where I wanted to be at 30 years old. I know how I got here, I’m just not sure how to fix it.