Monthly Archives: November 2011

I’m fine….usually

You ask me if I’m ok.

I’ll always say I am. Some version of “I’m fine” will automatically make its way out of my lips, and usually with a smile. On a good day, I’ll even pair it with a confused look, like I have no idea why you are asking me this question in the first place.

I don’t know how to say I’m not okay.

I’m drowning.

I’m suffocating.

I’m crumbling.

I’m broken.

The truth is, it’s easier this way. I enjoy this game I play with the world. Most days I really am fine. But getting through the bad days without a single person catching on to my act, well that’s just pure entertainment for me. A trophy if you will. Besides, if that’s what gets me through the bad days so I can have another good day, then so be it.

Sometimes I have moments where I think I could spill my secrets. I could openly say exactly what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling, and how I truly am doing.

Then I imagine how I’d feel after. I can only assume I’d be full of regret. It seems at the time it would feel so freeing. However, I know in the end I’ll just feel more imprisoned. 

Does this make me fake? Maybe. But if you consider yourself my friend, then you probably already know this about me. If you consider yourself a friend AND know this about me, then I guess I don’t need to worry about coming across fake. I’m sure I just come across as myself. Thank you for understanding.

I’ve written blogs in the past about why I’m so closed off and disconnected, or at least my theory’s as to why. I’m sure that’s just a start though. Recently some friends turned their backs on me, reminding me what I’ve always said all along….

Everyone leaves eventually.

So really, what’s the point of opening up? Spilling the secrets? Telling someone when you are on the ledge and feel like jumping?

I’ll never know. To be honest, that idea scares the heck out of me.

Therefore, I’ll always tell you I’m doing just fine.

I prefer a happy ending, even a fake one, anyways.


Thankful in November.

For the month of November I wrote status updates in regards to things I am thankful for. So I can always remember I am blogging them, and a few others. It’s easy to forget why we, as human’s, are thankful….especially in the madness of the holiday season.

Or maybe that’s just a problem I have lol!

Without further ado….I am thankful for…

Ladies book club

The gals at work who allow me to bug them all day long with questions

Crazy bread and wine

Not having to drive to Ellensburg and back (only on that particular day lol)

Kirsten and casino nights

Love, friends, and red wine

Girls Giving Back, cheese, sleep, and laughter

Damn you auto correct, Tucker Max, and David Thorne

Feeling better (I was really sick lol!)

Text message pictures that cheer me up

Coming home to flowers and wine on my porch courtesy of my Amy!

Cheese and wine dates with Hannah (I’m starting to see a pattern of loving both cheese and wine lol)

Neighbors and family movie nights at the school

The Mukilteo Lodge (love that place!)

Redbox $1 movies that keep my kids entertained giving me a few moments of peace!

Training with Melissa (I’m also thankful for our backseat adventures lol)

My kids reading quietly thanks to my fabulous neighbor loaning them new stories to dive into

Putting the kids on the bus and having hours of peace when I don’t have to work once a week lol

Spice Girls (aka myself, Melissa, Hannah, Amy and Erin….we’re the 21st century version lol)

Staying in a cabin all weekend with friends hidden away in Leavenworth

Friday’s

Happiness….and a Hawks win 🙂

White chocolate mocha’s with white coffee (I’ve hooked a few people on these….sooooooo good….and twice the caffeine!)

Facebook for allowing me to stay connected to my loved one’s when my phone fails me lol

Coming home to hugs, a delicious dinner and presents

The Hen on Wednesday nights

Everything I’ve ever eaten at La Cote Creperie (if you haven’t been you are seriously missing out!)

Soul sisters

Adventures on the East side

Bubble baths

Walking late at night with good friends

Taylor Swift, Anna Nalick, and Glee mash-ups

The hysterical things that come out of my kids mouths (they are ridiculously witty and entertaining)

Love, forgiveness, understanding, and hugs

And if you are reading this, then I am also thankful for you 🙂


Music and the gift it brings me.

I have a song for everything. Every happy moment. Every heart ache. A song for just about every person I know. A song for my mother. A song for each of my children. Music speaks to me. I feel it inside my soul, beating in my heart, pulsing through my veins. If you know me, you know that I can often be caught dancing in a store, rocking out in my car, or the first one on a dance floor….and all of which without embarrassment or regret.

I love that a song can change my day. I can find myself in a downer mood and with the touch of a button, voila, I’m smiling again.

I don’t talk about my love of music anymore. I used to. However, it always turned into a discussion about how the songs that I loved were the wrong songs, had silly lyrics, or were sung by a pathetic artist.

I get it. Everyone who loves music, really and truly loves music, thinks they know the best music. And when someone thinks they outweigh you in vast knowledge of a particular subject, expect a conversation about the topic….and be prepared for it to get heated.

Right now I have a few songs I’m utterly in love with.

However I won’t tell you what they are. Doing so may result in an obligation to defend them. Which takes away from their beauty.

It also might give you something to connect with me about, leaving me vulnerable, which is an emotional state I avoid.

But that’s a whole other blog for another day 🙂


Highlights from my weekend away.

Cornerstone lodge + 30(ish) people = Memories to last a lifetime!

Highlights as told through pictures…

Beautiful huge cabin mansion

Adventures with my twin

My hide-a-way when I needed it lol

Heart to hearts with my fave

Beautiful scenery everywhere

Kickball in the snow

Perfect fun with perfect friends


Life sure has changed.

I used to count down the days till Thanksgiving. It’s the only holiday in the entire year I knew I’d see my family. This year, the closer it gets, the more sad I feel for the loss of those days. I’m supposed to have my kids this year but I gave them to their dad’s. I have nothing for them now on this holiday.

Every year my mom and I take the girls downtown to see Santa and ride the carousal. Last year, knowing my mom would be gone I dragged Kristen along. I wanted to make it our tradition. Neither woman will be joining me. I think that tradition has come to a close. That’s very depressing as well.

My kids are going to their dad’s for Christmas. I won’t have them Christmas Eve. I won’t have them Christmas morning. My heart already feels empty.

It doesn’t help that all the predictions of snow are bumming me out. I guess I’m in a downer mood. Which is also lame.

I wish I had a time machine. I’d go back to my favorite Thanksgiving. I’d hug every single person one more time. Back to a time when life felt less complicated. When it was easy, or at least easier than it is now. When Jen and I could eat chocolate pie. When everyone was happy.

Yeah, life sure has changed.


Torn.

Ever wake up and feel like your head is spinning so fast with different thoughts and emotions, you can’t see straight? Rational thought isn’t even an option. Neither is understanding what you’re feeling.

I’m sitting here, staring blankley out the window.

It’s the best I can do for now.

Today I’ll do what I always do. Pretend I feel nothing.

Nothing is far less complicated then everything.

 


The downfall of a new job.

I love my job. However, it brings me in contact with a much larger quantity of germs than I am used to.

Which would be fine.

If I had medical insurance.

Which I don’t.

Starting a new job = waiting 90 days to begin the wonderful process of medical insurance.

I’m halfway there.

I woke up this morning feeling great. Tired, but that’s usual.

By 11am I could feel the sick coming on. First the queasy stomach. Then the tingley numb body aches. Of course that was followed by feeling extremely weak. Now a headache to top it all off. I thought at first it was simply stressed, I was running payments and investigating discrepancies after all. It’s the most stressful part of my job and I’m not yet very quick at it, or educated. In fact, I felt pretty clueless. But maybe that was my mushy sick brain.

Ugh.

There’s nothing I can do.

And that seriously sucks.

I need a z-pack. Maybe two.