I wondered if I would write about the divorce. It’s a hard decision. It’s so private, maybe it should be kept that way. I figured a few subtle lines about it from time to time would do. However, I’ve been approached by a few loved one’s in the wake of the news to tell me they wish they had the courage. They too are unhappy. I can only assume there are more people like myself, like those openly confiding in me, who are unhappy and need to feel less alone. So here are my ramblings about the end of my marriage. About my reaction. My emotions. My fears. And my hope.
I’ve known for over a year it wasn’t going to work. I’ve openly talked about it in counseling, with a few best friends, and with Brett himself. However, I truly thought if I only focused on the positive, I’d either trick myself into being happy, or he would realize I wasn’t worth losing. I knew it was impossible, but sometimes believing in the impossible helps you when you need it most. However, neither plan worked.
There are people who are in, or were in, my life that have the reaction “I told you so” “I saw it coming” “I knew it” and other holier than thou reactions. Look, I knew it too. You aren’t smarter than me. You didn’t have some sort of foresight that I don’t have. In fact, I knew it was over long before you caught on. But if you were really my friend, you would have supported my decision to keep fighting for my marriage. So please keep those thoughts to yourself. Or at the very least, don’t bring them to me.
I thought when the day came that I announced this is it, it truly is over, I wondered if I would turn into a bitter and resentful female. I already felt like one. The kind that swears off dating. That talks about how love is nonexistent. Then I realized that although I felt that way in the end of my marriage, being free from that anger is allowing me to have hope again.
I’ve only been in a small handful of truly serious relationships. All of which I gave 100%. None of which I received that in return. Which hasn’t stopped me yet. It’s still possible that one day I will find a love equal to what I give. Maybe, one day, I’ll make breakfast lunch and dinner for someone (seriously, June Cleaver would have been proud of my wife skills), and they will never take it for granted. Maybe one day I will clean, entertain, charm, love, and listen, and in return, I will feel cared for instead of invisible.
Those are all possible, and I’m not giving up.
However, if they don’t happen, I know it won’t be for lack of trying. Some things simply aren’t meant to be.
I married quick. I knew I loved him. I found him attractive (yes, that is important. Anyone who says different is denying the inevitable truth that their relationship is going to fail. You have to be attracted to the person you are with. But that’s another tangent, for another day). He didn’t want to father my kids and I respected that. We laughed often. I thought those were all key elements to marriage. I knew we’d figure the rest out along the way. Plus, if I didn’t marry him, I knew I’d leave him just to avoid a fight. That’s why we always broke up. That’s why most my relationships ended. I was determined to make it work. We had the basics after all. I was very naive. Blinded by love. And full of hope.
People want to know why I’m not sad. I am sad. I’m sad for Brett. The look in his eyes tears me apart. I avoid him. I avoid feeling guilty for demanding to be out of this marriage. I’m sad for my kids. They cried when we told them the news. I’m sad that I don’t have all the answers for them. I’m sad they feel hurt.
The thing you all must realize is, I already grieved. I already spent countless nights sobbing. I’ve been sad. I’ve been angry. I’ve been in denial. I’ve spent about a year going through the grieving process. Now it’s time to accept this is happening, and move on with my life.
I’m only 32. I have so many years left ahead of me. I want to make them count. I want to look back upon my life when it’s over and know that I lived it the best that I could, for myself, with my kids first, and I was happy. Don’t we all deserve at least happiness???
Marriage is the best thing that could have ever happened to me in terms of discovering myself. I wasn’t allowed to just bail when it got hard. I had to have the uncomfortable conversations that in the past, I avoided. I had to deal with problems and learn to communicate. I had to face hard times, up’s and down’s, and focus on what mattered to me. I learned so much more about myself than I knew I would. And now, thanks to that incredible journey, I know what I want and I won’t settle for less.
I make an incredible friend, and an even more incredible girlfriend. Or maybe it’s the other way around. I’m not sure yet. However, I know I give 100% of myself to those I love, and I’m strong enough to eliminate those who can’t give me the same.
I didn’t think I was strong enough, but I was wrong. We are all strong enough. You just have to believe in yourself, and have faith that it will all work out as planned. Marriage is tough. So is divorce. If both are tough, why not go for the one that gives you the best chance at being happy?
Yes, it’s easier said then done. But don’t many marvelous journey’s start out that way? This thing we call life, it’s ours. We must make the best out of it. We only get one shot. Don’t waste it. Be happy. Love hard. Laugh often.
Like my fortune cookie said to me just a few nights ago, “Don’t give up. The best is yet to come”.