Monthly Archives: January 2012

I thought I had a plan.

The plan was marriage. Family. Love. Laughter. Memories.

The plan was for him to work, and me to stay home. He’d be the breadwinner, I’d be the housewife. He would dedicate himself to the house. I would dedicate myself to him and the kids.

It’s amazing how great plans sound.

That plan failed. I used to think I failed the plan. Was it my cooking? Was I not dividing my attention properly? Of course, it had to be me. Something I was doing. That way, it would be something I could fix. I was wrong. It wasn’t me. It simply wasn’t a great plan. You can’t put two people who aren’t right for each other in a home and expect it to work. It was a disaster waiting to happen. No amount of fake smiles on my end was going to change that. But I wanted that life so bad, it was worth the attempt….it was worth all the attempts. I believed in it. I did all I could to make it work. Some things simply aren’t meant to be.

Now I have a new plan.

Be happy.

Be honest with myself.

Stop making long-term plans and expecting them to work. Be prepared for them not to. Enjoy life in the meantime.

Today I went and looked at an apartment. I liked it. I was speechless though. It felt surreal. Too good to be true. But it’s not. It’s really happening. And I love it. It’s a scary adventure, even scarier with two kids. However, I can feel how almost-right it all is. I deserve to be happy. It’s about damn time I try.

I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I have so much to set into place. Good thing I have better control of my anxiety and an amazing therapist.

 

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Regret…or stepping stone? Regret.

I gave up my career for a marriage that failed me.

I gave it all up for a dream with a boy who lied and let me down instead of loving me.

I tell myself, and others, to have no regrets. But I have regrets.

As I look at the finances, the cost of living, and my new single mom income, I can’t help but wish for a time machine.

Either that or a miracle.

Feeling scared, lost, and alone isn’t how I enjoy spending my time.

I need a good night’s rest, a hot bath, maybe a massage, and definitely a glass of wine.

Or a miracle. I’d still take the miracle.


You.

You say I got what I deserved. That karma came after me. I got exactly what I wanted and needed. So thanks for the compliment.

You say I must have been a bad wife. I caused this. It was my fault. I’m okay with you thinking that way. Not only do I know it’s not true, I never liked you. I definitely don’t care about your opinion.

You say you feel sorry for me cause I’ll never be happy. Um, I am happy. But thanks for thinking you know me better than I know myself.

You say all this about me.

I say you have too much time on your hands.


So much to say, so few words.

Well, maybe that’s a lie. I have the words. However, I’m not ready to share them with the online world. Not just yet. I can tell you this much…..

I wonder what it’s like to give my all and have that work out in my favor.

I wonder what it’s like to be able to depend on another person, always.

I wonder what it’s like to not always have to be the strong one.

I wonder what it’s like to be in love. To love someone so much you can feel it in the depth of your soul.

I wonder what it’s like to be happy, and not just find peace in happy moments.

One day, soon enough, I will blog more about the upcoming changes I’ve made in my life. Until then, I leave you with this….