Monthly Archives: January 2012

I thought I had a plan.

 

The plan was marriage. Family. Love. Laughter. Memories.

The plan was for him to work, and me to stay home. He’d be the breadwinner, I’d be the housewife. He would dedicate himself to the house. I would dedicate myself to the kids.

It’s amazing how great plans sound.

That plan failed. I used to think I failed the plan. Was it my cooking? Was I not dividing my attention properly? Of course it had to be me. Something I was doing. That way, it would be something I could fix. I was wrong. It wasn’t me. It simply wasn’t a great plan. You can’t put two people who aren’t right for each other in a home and except it to work. It was a disaster waiting to happen. No amount of fake smiles on my end was going to change that. But I wanted that life so bad, it was worth the attempt….it was worth all the attempts. I believed in it. I did all I could to make it work. Some things simply aren’t meant to be.

Now I have a new plan.

Be happy.

Be honest with myself.

Stop making long-term plans and expecting them to work. Be prepared for them not to. Enjoy life in the meantime.

Today I went and looked at an apartment. I liked it. I was speechless though. It felt surreal. Too good to be true. But it’s not. It’s really happening. And I love it. It’s a scary adventure, even scarier with two kids. However, I can feel how right it all is. I deserve to be this happy. It’s about damn time I am.

I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I have so much to set into place. Good thing I have better control of my anxiety 🙂

 


Regret…or stepping stone? Regret.

I gave up my career for a marriage that failed me.

I gave it all up for a dream with a boy who lied and let me down instead of loving me.

I tell myself, and others, have no regrets.

As I look at the finances, the cost of living, and my newly single mom income, I can’t help but wish for a time machine.

Either that, or a miracle.

Feeling scared, lost, and alone isn’t how I enjoy spending my time.

I need a good night’s rest, a hot bath, maybe a massage, and definitely a glass of wine.

Or a miracle. I’d still take the miracle.

 


You.

You say I got what I deserved. That karma came after me. I got exactly what I wanted and needed. So thanks for the compliment.

You say I must have been a bad wife. I caused this. It was my fault. I’m okay with you thinking that way. Not only do I know it’s not true, I never liked you. I definitely don’t care about your opinion.

You say you feel sorry for me cause I’ll never be happy. Um, I am happy. But thanks for thinking you know me better than I know myself.

You say all this about me.

I say you have too much time on your hands.


The best is yet to come.

I wondered if I would write about the divorce. It’s a hard decision. It’s so private, maybe it should be kept that way. I figured a few subtle lines about it from time to time would do. However, I’ve been approached by a few loved one’s in the wake of the news to tell me they wish they had the courage. They too are unhappy. I can only assume there are more people like myself, like those openly confiding in me, who are unhappy and need to feel less alone. So here are my ramblings about the end of my marriage. About my reaction. My emotions. My fears. And my hope.

I’ve known for over a year it wasn’t going to work. I’ve openly talked about it in counseling, with a few best friends, and with Brett himself. However, I truly thought if I only focused on the positive, I’d either trick myself into being happy, or he would realize I wasn’t worth losing. I knew it was impossible, but sometimes believing in the impossible helps you when you need it most. However, neither plan worked.

There are people who are in, or were in, my life that have the reaction “I told you so” “I saw it coming” “I knew it” and other holier than thou reactions. Look, I knew it too. You aren’t smarter than me. You didn’t have some sort of foresight that I don’t have. In fact, I knew it was over long before you caught on. But if you were really my friend, you would have supported my decision to keep fighting for my marriage. So please keep those thoughts to yourself. Or at the very least, don’t bring them to me.

I thought when the day came that I announced this is it, it truly is over, I wondered if I would turn into a bitter and resentful female. I already felt like one. The kind that swears off dating. That talks about how love is nonexistent. Then I realized that although I felt that way in the end of my marriage, being free from that anger is allowing me to have hope again.

I’ve only been in a small handful of truly serious relationships. All of which I gave 100%. None of which I received that in return. Which hasn’t stopped me yet. It’s still possible that one day I will find a love equal to what I give. Maybe, one day, I’ll make breakfast lunch and dinner for someone (seriously, June Cleaver would have been proud of my wife skills), and they will never take it for granted. Maybe one day I will clean, entertain, charm, love, and listen, and in return, I will feel cared for instead of invisible.

Those are all possible, and I’m not giving up.

However, if they don’t happen, I know it won’t be for lack of trying. Some things simply aren’t meant to be.

I married quick. I knew I loved him. I found him attractive (yes, that is important. Anyone who says different is denying the inevitable truth that their relationship is going to fail. You have to be attracted to the person you are with. But that’s another tangent, for another day). He didn’t want to father my kids and I respected that. We laughed often. I thought those were all key elements to marriage. I knew we’d figure the rest out along the way. Plus, if I didn’t marry him, I knew I’d leave him just to avoid a fight. That’s why we always broke up. That’s why most my relationships ended. I was determined to make it work. We had the basics after all. I was very naive. Blinded by love. And full of hope.

People want to know why I’m not sad. I am sad. I’m sad for Brett. The look in his eyes tears me apart. I avoid him. I avoid feeling guilty for demanding to be out of this marriage. I’m sad for my kids. They cried when we told them the news. I’m sad that I don’t have all the answers for them. I’m sad they feel hurt.

The thing you all must realize is, I already grieved. I already spent countless nights sobbing. I’ve been sad. I’ve been angry. I’ve been in denial. I’ve spent about a year going through the grieving process. Now it’s time to accept this is happening, and move on with my life.

I’m only 32. I have so many years left ahead of me. I want to make them count. I want to look back upon my life when it’s over and know that I lived it the best that I could, for myself, with my kids first, and I was happy. Don’t we all deserve at least happiness???

Marriage is the best thing that could have ever happened to me in terms of discovering myself. I wasn’t allowed to just bail when it got hard. I had to have the uncomfortable conversations that in the past, I avoided. I had to deal with problems and learn to communicate. I had to face hard times, up’s and down’s, and focus on what mattered to me. I learned so much more about myself than I knew I would. And now, thanks to that incredible journey, I know what I want and I won’t settle for less.

I make an incredible friend, and an even more incredible girlfriend. Or maybe it’s the other way around. I’m not sure yet. However, I know I give 100% of myself to those I love, and I’m strong enough to eliminate those who can’t give me the same.

I didn’t think I was strong enough, but I was wrong. We are all strong enough. You just have to believe in yourself, and have faith that it will all work out as planned. Marriage is tough. So is divorce. If both are tough, why not go for the one that gives you the best chance at being happy?

Yes, it’s easier said then done. But don’t many marvelous journey’s start out that way? This thing we call life, it’s ours. We must make the best out of it. We only get one shot. Don’t waste it. Be happy. Love hard. Laugh often.

Like my fortune cookie said to me just a few nights ago, “Don’t give up. The best is yet to come”.


The difference between 2011 and 2012

I was talking (ok, really texting) with a very good friend yesterday and we easily could agree that 2011 sucked, and 2012 was about us.

2012 is going to be the year I take back my happiness.

No more hiding how I feel.

No more putting everyone else’s feelings first.

No more catering to insecurities of people who treat me poorly anyways.

No more letting others control my life and decisions.

I’ve spent most my life trying to please everyone and keep the peace around me. Screw that. If you can’t be nice and peaceful, then please leave my life.

2012 is going to be the year I spend my time with people who inspire me and make me smile.

It’s about damn time.

I cut out a lot of negativity in my life throughout 2011. Some cut me out, and I welcomed the good bye’s. I finished it off with asking/demanding/holding my ground on a divorce.

I rang in the new year smiling, with best friends, and the weight of the world no longer bringing me down. That’s the theme of 2012.


A new year.

Today I was asked “what’s your new years resolution”. Hmm. I hadn’t really thought about it. I’ve been so focused on what’s happening right now, the thought of what I’d like to have happen over the course of a year, well, that was unthinkable.

So what did I do? I thought it over of course!

It has been decided….my new years resolution is….

To overcome my fear of traveling.

I have a trip booked for February, and another for March.

Let’s do this 2012!


So much to say, so few words.

Well, maybe that’s a lie. I have the words. However, I’m not ready to share them with the online world. Not just yet. I can tell you this much…..

I wonder what it’s like to give my all and have that work out in my favor.

I wonder what it’s like to be able to depend on another person, always.

I wonder what it’s like to not always have to be the strong one.

I used to wonder what it was like to be actually happy, instead of just pretending. I’ve had a few moments of this lately and I can tell you, it feels damn good.

One day, soon enough, I will blog more about the upcoming changes in my life. Until then, I leave you with this….