For anyone that knows me, you know how hard transitions are for me. I don’t like new. I like same. I like predictability, stability, and routine. I think I have handled this break up the best. Maybe I’m getting better at letting go and moving on.
I remember my other break up’s well. I remember crying over Nathan. We had been together for years. I didn’t know how to move on, I never had to before. That was my first real break up. I remember being thankful Jabali and I ended, but still a large part of me was left wondering how to put the pieces of my life back together and I was quite a wreck, for quite a while. Being involved with a person like that will do that. I went through phases that I’m not proud of, regardless of how they molded me. Then came Reed. That one destroyed me. That’s the only break up to this day, where I didn’t think my heart would ever heal. That one took the longest to get past. I thought leaving Brett would be worse. However, looking back, I think I always knew it would happen, we were too dysfunctional together regardless of love. Some people simply aren’t meant for each other, just meant to shape each other and be a stepping stone to the next great chapter in life. So far, it hasn’t been tough on me, and I’m left to wonder why that is. Is it the comfort I’m finding in my new life, or simply the fact that I checked out long ago? Either way, I’m thankful it isn’t destroying me, I’m too busy for that right now.
Here’s what is hard….not having the person who knows all your stories around. Yesterday I heard about something. The only person who would understand if I said, “Omg, you’ll never guess what __________ said” is gone. Together we would have shaken our heads, talked about how wrong it was, laughed at the mistake being made, and gossiped like good friends (we were always more like friends than in love). But he really is gone, by my choice. So I didn’t tell anyone. That’s the first encounter of this I have experienced. It felt odd, unusual, and uncomfortable. I hope it’s the last time.
Someone once loved me and I told that person that I’ll never love them as much, or anyone really. That I don’t think I love correctly or with my whole heart. There’s a disconnect I have somewhere that I can’t seem to find or fix. Maybe that’s why this break up isn’t affecting me like everyone tells me it should. Maybe my heart was guarded from the start.
Today is a new day. Not everyone get’s those, I think I’ll go enjoy mine now. Thanks for listening.