I was told that recently. You might think my jaw dropped open and I was found speechless. You are wrong. It didn’t offend me, I giggled. And I’m rarely speechless. It warmed my heart to know that someone loves me enough to be that honest, and get’s me, because I think my brain is broken too.
I wonder where it started. When. Always?
Sometimes I think I’ve got it all figured out, then other times my world is upside down and pouring through my hands like hourglass sand and there’s nothing I can do to freeze the moment and fix it.
I wish I could go back in time, set a video camera up, and watch my life play out. I want to find that “ah ha!” moment when I realize where it all changed. Then I can tweak the past and voila, I’ll be fixed!
Then there’s the other side. The side that makes me say, “so what, I like me, I’m okay with me, I’ve accepted me, now it’s your turn to accept me”.
Life confuses me. Social norms and rules confuse me. I derive many of my reactions from my observations. If you react a certain way and I want to make you happy, I should react that same way. Then I do. Then you get mad. Say what?!?! Me = confused! This holds true for my entire life. Every aspect. Love, relationships, friendships, work, etc. It never stops. And I never stop being confused because it’s rare that someone wants the mirrored reaction that they would or even have given themself! It’s quite a cycle.
I tell myself to stop observing people so intensely, but I don’t think that’s possible.
Sometimes I have a reaction to a situation, but I don’t show it, or say it. Instead, I calm myself down and react in the way that seems appropriate for the situation. Is that fake? No, that’s respectful. Or maybe a little fake. Just because I can tell you how I really feel about you or what you did, doesn’t mean that’s the right way to handle it. And sometimes I need a few days to process.
My brain is indeed broken. But I’ve grown quite fond of the way it works. So get used to it. Because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind!