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Rambles on an idle April day

It’s been a long time. Obviously blogging isn’t something that consumes my time anymore. Why? I wonder about that too. Is it because I’m busy with more pressing priorities? Is it because I have other outlets for my randomness? Have I changed? Will I ever know why blogging doesn’t call to me like it once did?


What is new in my life now…. Uh, everything. Okay, maybe that’s a bit dramatic. But life is ever changing. For today, in this moment… I am 39. I am a National Account Manager at Vimly, a company that (for the most part) I’m super excited to be proud of. I say “like” and “literally” and “right?!” more than I wish I did. My kids are still the coolest ever (that will never change). And they get along, like amazingly (ugh, I said “like” again!). I’m continually scolded, by them, for having them so far apart as they want to be at college together. Sav is in college. Yeah, that happened. Jo just registered for high school, what?! Time is relative in parenting. It happens painfully slow and painfully fast at the same time. Got myself a boyfriend, and he’s the best. Been together about 1.5 years, going on infinity. He loves me in ways that pair well with how I want to be loved. That is an art. He comes along with 2 kids of his own, and I adore them. It’s messy and beautiful, which is basically my comfort zone in life.


Jo and I have a podcast. That’s right, my 14yo actually WANTS to hang out with me and create something great together. I win at life (so do you!).


My mom is still around, thank goodness. My biological dad is not. I will never have closure with that disaster and that’s it, that’s the closure. It’s just done. My parents make me a better parent, and I think that’s the circle of life for parenting. We take what we liked and pass it down (dinners together, game nights, a passion for reading) and we leave out what we didn’t like (ß that’s a long list). So yeah, it was rocky. My childhood wasn’t one to brag about, but my 2 most favorite people in the world benefit from that so I can’t complain, and I don’t.


I’m passionate about growth, feminism, parenting, and pushing boundaries. I push myself and those around me. Hell, I push strangers in online Facebook groups. I love to make people squirm in their own realities. News flash, saying “I’m not racist” doesn’t mean you aren’t racist.


So why am I here now, after all this time? Because I’m also passionate about giving my children a way to “reach” me when I am no longer here. So while these are just my rambles, I have a feeling they’ll be priceless someday. I saw the beauty of this recently when my boyfriend came across some writings from his dad who left this life way to early. So now, I see my blog now less of an outlet, but more of a legacy. Should I go through and clean it up? Probably. Will I? Nope. This is (was) me at that moment in time. I hope my kids hear my voice when they read my words. I love my kids. I live for my kids. There’s nothing in this galaxy that fills my heart as much as they do. I never want to leave them, but I know that day will come. I will miss them forever. If I have it my way, not only will I outlive them, but I will find them in our next lives and be together again.


And just so my kids have more to remember me by, here are some of my current/recent favorites:



All things Harry Potter (as if this is new information lol)

Feminist Fight Club

Anything written by Jodi Picoult (especially My Sister’s Keeper and Small Big Things)

Anything written by Fredrik Backman (especially Beartown and A Man Named Ove)

Dear Evan Hansen

Anything written by Liane Moriarty

Ender’s Game

Where’d You Go Bernadette

The Passage

Anything written by Diane Chamberlain

Flowers for Algernon

Dark Matter



Real Housewives of (insert city here, I love them all)

Game of Thrones

The Office

The Crown

Modern Family

Silicon Valley


The Mindy Project

Parks & Rec

Vanderpump Rules


The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise

Beat Bobby Flay

Orange is the New Black

The Umbrella Academy (although to be fair, I’m not even done with season 1, it could go downhill lol)

Good Girls




If We Had a Podcast




Hidden Brain

It’s Been a Minute

This American Life

99% Invisible

Battle Tactics for your Sexist Workplace


This is Love

Ted Radio Hour



Well, I guess that’s it for today. April’s Fools Day. No pranks, but hopefully some laughter.



Today I heard a tale of woe about a woman who confided to her online mom’s group about “intrusive thoughts” she had about her baby. Intrusive meaning uninvited. We all have uninvited thoughts.

This woman did what most of us don’t have the courage to do, she spoke up. However, a mandated reported had to alert the authorities and now CPS is going to make its way to her house.

I don’t have an opinion on that. Facts and laws are facts and laws.

Here’s where my opinion is laying…. her bravery. Her courageous and beautifully bold bravery where she spoke of dark thoughts openly and publicly. All she wanted was advice. She wanted to know she wasn’t alone.

You aren’t alone.

I might not have the advice to give you, but I am inspired by you.

She doesn’t know me. I don’t know her. She will never read this. And that’s okay. The moral of this story, and so many like it, are you never know the impact you have on someone. You never know who is sitting at their kitchen table blogging about a stranger who she read about. It could be you.

So be great. Be bold. Be daring. Be truthful, painfully truthful. Smile. Laugh. Cry. Someone out there needs you to simply be you.

My daughters are my teachers.

So often I learn a life lesson from one of my children. Their take on the world, their innocence, and their fresh slate make their perceptions ones that I don’t have the ability to see. I know the cruelties of the world. I know the harshness of actions and mean people. I’m often bitter, judgmental, and prepared for the worst.

Because I’m 20+ years older than they are, I also think I have the answers.

Sometimes I am wrong.

Over a year ago I wrote a blog about my concerns regarding Savannah’s “friends”. The ones I’m referring to are friends she doesn’t know IRL <– (that’s In Real Life… yeah… I’m cool… I know the lingo).

Anyway, I couldn’t grasp the concept that she could feel connected to people she has never met. In my day (eek, did I really just say that?!) your friends were kids from your neighborhood, school, church, sports, and cousins. Sometimes even your cousin’s friends. You knew what each other looked like. You could pick one another out from a crowd. You knew their style of clothing, what their voice sounded like, and you hung out together in the same room.

Technology has changed that. Savannah meets more kids online than IRL. It’s easy to hop into a chat room type of place that is tailored for a passion. She can go online and meet kids who like Invader Zin within a couple minutes. IRL you’d have to actually dig this information out of another person. Technology has unfortunately also hindered this upcoming generation from these conversation skills. However, that’s a different rant for a different day. back on track we go!

This concept truly concerned me, mostly because I didn’t understand it. That idea is foreign to me. How in the world can you be friends with someone you don’t actually know.

Fast forward several months and now I ask you this. Does the word “know” (in this context) really equal “know in real life”? Or, is there something deeper here we could be missing?

Yesterday I attempted to gather my invite list that Jason asked me for in regards to my upcoming birthday (why does he make me celebrate?! Why do I let him? Hmm.). There are a couple people on that list that I have never met IRL. It dawned on me. Savannah was right. She knew at 10 something I didn’t learn until almost 35. Being in the same room doesn’t make you friends. A common ground does. An appreciation for the same humor. A shared interest. That’s what a connection is.

Thank you child of mine.

I’m beyond blessed to have children exploring this world in ways that are alien to me. They aren’t scared and they don’t do things based on my interest, experience, understandings, and values. They are their own individual personalities and they are out there making their way based upon their own gut, hopes, heart, and dreams. I’m even more thankful that I have my eyes open to the possibilities of all they have to teach me along the way. The journey is ours together and I couldn’t be more excited for it.

Fake vs. Polite

Hi blog followers… all 2 or 3 of you. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed blogging. it’s been far too long!

I wanted to focus today’s blog on something near and dear to my heart… me. Hahaha, well, kind of.

Recently I was put into a conversation with a woman who does not like me and has no problem telling me so. It was harsh, hurtful, embarrassing, and devastating. She doesn’t like me because of my “perky personality”, which, I don’t think of myself as perky, but okay. Even she’s entitled to her opinion.

This event led to other conversations, one in which I was told that my “continually upbeat personality can come across as fake”. Damn. That sucks. But I was appreciative of the honesty.

Am I a happy person? Yes, I think so. I hope so. I do my best to find the joys in life. I’ve paid a lot of money in therapy bills to get to this point.

People, I’m not fake!!! I really am happy. I really am excited. I really do get giddy over stupid things. I’m not fake. Just because I save my dark hours for my alone time, doesn’t make me fake. It makes me closed off. It makes me guarded. Take it or leave it, I simply don’t want to share that part of me. I can’t imagine that makes me fake. Sharing those dark thoughts would be fake and forced since that’s not natural to me.

I have a friend that I have a problem with. Am I going to tell her? No. Are we going to discuss my issue? No. Because it’s MY issue, I don’t need to make it HER issue. I’ll get over it. Why bring it up? I’ll hurt her feelings. I could hurt our friendship. It’s not worth it to me. Instead, I’ll continue to love her endlessly, because I do, and I’ll keep my icky feelings to myself. I can’t imagine that makes me fake either. In fact, I think it only makes me polite. Maybe even respectful. Or, possibly delusional.

Every ugly opinion in the world doesn’t have to be shared. Shocking, I know.

I don’t talk about a lot of things that upset me. I used to, and I got judged for my opinions. Sometimes my opinions hurt people I love and that hurts me. I’m a peacekeeper by nature and personality. I don’t like to stir the pot. That doesn’t make me fake either, that’s my actual personality. I am making the cognizant choice to keep certain opinions to myself. Not fake. Just me.

Why am I almost 35 and this is still an issue? Why haven’t I reached a chapter in life where girls can just accept each other, love each other, and give up the name calling? Yes, even calling me “fake” is name calling and hurtful.

My mom taught me “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” and I still believe in that.

However, if you directly ask my opinion on something I will tell you my thoughts. Disclaimer: You might not like my opinion.

It’s hard to raise 2 daughters in such a harsh world. People are mean. For no reason. It really gets under my skin. I’m raising my daughters to NOT be mean girls, but it isn’t easy. Mean girls are everywhere. They’re influential and often magnetic. I wish I could guarantee my kids will never test out the “mean girl” personality, but I can’t promise the world that. I can only hope that they remain level headed girls who care enough about the world they live in to try to make it a better place.

Also, I’m not perfect. It’s taking me years of practice to get to a point where I can be this happy. There’s scientific data regarding this topic. Look it up. Pretty incredible stuff. (be wary of the rabbit holes or you may lose hours of your life too…)

I could ramble about this topic all day and night…. but I have David Tutera’s CELEBrations to watch. Love me some trashy reality tv 🙂

The end.

Parenting = Confusion

Parenting is like an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes it’s the one thing that makes you think you are losing your mind. You question yourself at all times. You walk on eggshells. You continuously love harder and deeper than the other person. You change yourself. You adapt. You cry…. a lot. And then all of a sudden, you have a moment/day/hour/tiny second that is so incredibly touching, you forget about all the bad leading up to it. You are on cloud nine and whistling to yourself. Life is made of sunshine and rainbows! Then, before you know it, you are back to feeling like the worst person who ever lived.

Yet, you are reminded you are a parent and this isn’t an unhealthy relationship. This is it. There’s no walking away. Take it or, take it.

The roller coaster ride that is parenting is the most painful and joyful experience the world may ever know. You are constantly guessing and completely unprepared for what lies ahead. However, we find ourselves embarking upon this journey full steam ahead generation after generation.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. More than I love life. More than I love giraffes, the color orange, and books. I think they are the most fascinating creatures to walk this Earth. I’m constantly in awe of them and I cannot get enough of their affection and laughter. What I don’t love is having a great evening with them only to be yelled at because I’m not good at helping with homework. I also don’t love all the cooking and cleaning. I’d do okay without being a chauffeur as well. What I don’t love most of all is giving into that anger inside of me and yelling back. Yeah, because a grown up yelling at a 9-year-old who can’t do her homework is great. Nice. Way to go me.

I officially get the worst parent award right now.

I stay calm a lot. I swallow a lot more frustration than anyone around me is aware of. I get through the sisterly bickering and annoying each other. I don’t raise my voice with all the “why” questions. I don’t even snap back when my head gets bitten off each day by my teenager. With that said, I absolutely have zero/zilch/nada tolerance for that phase a child goes through where they “can’t” do their homework. They sigh, they stomp, they sigh more. Then, they ask for help they refuse to accept. If you are asking me for help and huffing and puffing because you “can’t” do it and you are going to fail… you probably will fail because I can’t talk someone off that ledge. I’m joining them instead.

That’s my weakness, my breaking point. I know it. I feel it coming and I know when I should be walking away from the situation (it’s about 2 seconds into the conversation, in case you were wondering). And unfortunately, I can’t avoid it. I must help with homework. That’s part of my job description.

All I can do instead is apologize to my beautiful princess for losing my patience, remind her I make mistakes too because I’m only human myself, hold myself accountable in hopes she learns to do that herself one day…. and email her teacher for homework assistance.


We exist in a world that is prepared for us to stay awhile, around 80 years in the United States. The oldest person on record is 122 years old.

Why is it then, we are in such a rush?

I walk slow, I just do. I don’t want to rush. It drives Jason crazy that I get up earlier than I need to. I simply want an easy morning, I don’t want to rush. There are very few times I can control not needing to rush, therefore, I don’t rush!

Kids are rushed to grow up. Not only by social media and peer pressure but often times by their own families.

People rush to get married. I myself rushed to have children.

I know people who even rush through books. Books are supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable, it’s not a race! (ok, I do read the end first many times, but then I go back and read the book. I just hate the suspense!)

People rush to fall in love, then most of the time realize they fell in love with an idea, not a person. All because they were rushing in the first place. Then, they divorce and realize they are even more behind on their life goals.

Good things come to those who wait people! (yes, I’m guilty of rushing love in my past, thank goodness I’ve learned from those mistakes…. finally!)

People rush through careers. Today I was discussing my career path at BSI and I was saying how a position I’d like would set me up in a good place in a few years and the other person said “Isn’t there a quicker way? Who thinks a few years out anymore?” Um… I do!

I have my whole life ahead of me. I don’t need to rush it.

People ask Jason and me when are we getting married. Thank goodness we are on the same page for that one. We aren’t rushing this.

People are not only rushed, they are disconnected. Countless people (I used to be one of them) are on their phones when they should be engaged in conversation. But there’s this idea that you have to post on Facebook RIGHT AWAY. You have to text so-and-so back RIGHT AWAY. Heaven forbid we miss a beat. This is another form of rushing. People… the text will still be there. The picture to edit will wait for you. Twitter isn’t going anywhere (although I wish it would).

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect. I’m definitely not preaching from my soap box here. I have to remind myself to slow down at times. I often catch myself rushing through something, most often food. Seriously, I eat really fast. Sometimes I rush through a glass of wine. I haven’t figured out if this is actually a problem though.

I don’t want to look back upon my life when I’m old and gray and wish I would have slowed down to enjoy it. I’d rather enjoy it now.

I will follow this post with some pictures. Enjoy them, don’t rush them.



Things that make me say WOW

1. Recently I’ve seen families riding bikes together. This is great. What’s not great is that the children are wearing helmets, but the parents are not. All the parents are teaching the children is that they are wearing helmets because their parents told them to, not because they are actually important. This is like being a parent who smokes and tells their kids not to. Kids start to experience with life and think “well it can’t be that bad, my mom/dad does it”. WOW.

2. Game of Thrones. WOW.

3. There are 8 days left of school. I remember school shopping. I remember meeting teachers. The school year flew by. I’m not ready for another school year. That means my precious baby is only one year away from high school. Seriously. I’m not joking. WOW.

4. Sean came to visit and stayed a couple of nights. We had a blast, laughed a ton, ate incredible food, and just chilled. The girls were so excited to see him, it was a complete surprise. Jo was red as could be and couldn’t stop laughing. Just like old times. We just need to do it more often. WOW.

5. People are becoming more and more aware of the dangers in the food we eat. People are speaking up, taking a stand, spreading awareness, and doing what’s right. I’m continually inspired by these strangers. Learning more and more myself I’m disgusted by the facts. WOW. Ok, Double WOW!!!

6. The world we live in. The shootings. The tornados. The bombings. I want to take my kids and live in a bubble. Instead, I’m left to offer more laughter, kisses, an ear to listen, smiles, and daily reminders of love. I don’t want my children to grow up seeing so much tragedy. WOW.

7. I gave up blogging daily of my trials and tribulations of going to the gym. I got lazy. There’s no other way to say it. However, I’ve lost 7 pounds. I don’t see the difference. My clothes don’t fit better. My body isn’t more toned. But I’m inspired. I’m motivated. And that’s what counts. WOW.

8. There’s a 10-year-old who can’t get a desperately needed transplant due to guidelines. How are we living in a world where we follow a rule book that tells us a 10-year-old isn’t a priority? WOW.

9. The Skylar Neese case. WOW.

10. And this picture…. WOW! (sad but true and still yet oh so funny!)