I love you but your brain is broken.

I was told that recently. You might think my jaw dropped open and I was found speechless. You are wrong. It didn’t offend me, I giggled. And I’m rarely speechless. It warmed my heart to know that someone loves me enough to be that honest, and get’s me, because I think my brain is broken too.

I wonder where it started. When. Always?

Sometimes I think I’ve got it all figured out, then other times my world is upside down and pouring through my hands like hourglass sand and there’s nothing I can do to freeze the moment and fix it.

I wish I could go back in time, set a video camera up, and watch my life play out. I want to find that “ah ha!” moment when I realize where it all changed. Then I can tweak the past and voila, I’ll be fixed!

Then there’s the other side. The side that makes me say, “so what, I like me, I’m okay with me, I’ve accepted me, now it’s your turn to accept me”.

Life confuses me. Social norms and rules confuse me. I derive many of my reactions from my observations. If you react a certain way and I want to make you happy, I should react that same way. Then I do. Then you get mad. Say what?!?! Me = confused! This holds true for my entire life. Every aspect. Love, relationships, friendships, work, etc. It never stops. And I never stop being confused because it’s rare that someone wants the mirrored reaction that they would or even have given themself! It’s quite a cycle.

I tell myself to stop observing people so intensely, but I don’t think that’s possible.

Sometimes I have a reaction to a situation, but I don’t show it, or say it. Instead, I calm myself down and react in the way that seems appropriate for the situation. Is that fake? No, that’s respectful. Or maybe a little fake. Just because I can tell you how I really feel about you or what you did, doesn’t mean that’s the right way to handle it. And sometimes I need a few days to process.

My brain is indeed broken. But I’ve grown quite fond of the way it works. So get used to it. Because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind!

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Dearest diary…..

I have so much to tell you. So much I’m feeling. So much I can’t talk about out loud. Here goes….it all started because, wait, what? This isn’t a diary? This is a blog for the entire world to see? Yeah, that can’t happen. If I spill all my beans I will no longer appear calm and collected. People will wonder if my smile is real or fake. I’ll be second guessed. Sorry, that’s just not the person I am, regardless of who I wish I could be some times. I suppose everything will stay bottled up then, where it always is. Phew…..that was a close one!


“The time to change was yesterday…..

…..the time to wake up is now” – Judge Judy

Even mean ol’ Judge Judy knows better.

Gun control

I grew up in a world where it was okay, even safe to own guns. Times have changed, and with those changing times, we need to evolve. The 2nd amendment was written in 1791. Why are we will listening? Why have guns changed so drastically, and we are following an outdated right?

This cannot go on.

I’d give up any “right” to bring those children back, those teachers, those hero’s, and everyone lost to gun violence before them.

It’s not a “right” if it’s hurting so many and destroying lives. Nothing about it is right.


33 is here, and staying 364 more days

Another birthday I tried to avoid. Another birthday I’ll never forget.

It started with an easy morning of sleeping in and being lazy (and being reminded I don’t get to know the plan for the celebrating part). Jason made me coffee and went out and got me breakfast. We watched football and sat around. Then we headed to the mall (what I wanted to do). Then he took us for pedicures, yay! We went home, played some pinochle (my fave) and got ready. All I knew was to wear jeans and a cute/nice top. He took me to dinner at Red Lobster so I could have the crab I’ve been craving…. and got me 1 1/2 pounds! Along side crab linguine and caesar salad, I was stuffed!!! He said we were going out dancing in Bellevue, which I thought was a strange plan for him to make (but I do love dancing!) however, I wanted to go home to change so to home we went.

Side note: I asked Jason if we were having people over because he randomly started vacuuming. Then convinced me he did so because a messy house stresses me out. Which is true. So I believed him.

As we turned the corner to go home we were chatting and he started slowing down. I knew it. At that moment I knew it. There were people at our house. He was slowing down so we could finish our conversation. Then, I saw the cars. (this is where he could use a lesson in intention versus impact, ugh).

At first, I wouldn’t get out of the car. I sat there for a few minutes in shock and anxiety. I hate these types of surprises. I made that known. Ugh. Then a beautiful baby girl arrived and that was enough for me. I happily got out of the car. We have Piper to thank for that.

My house was full of people I love and I thought that was it. Oh no, Jason thinks of everything (and had a couple amazing sneaky helpers).

Wine tasting. Wine tasting where each wine gets a score card and a food to pair with it. From chocolate to salmon. From Pino’s to Cabs. We drank wine, we paired with food, we guessed the wines and we laughed.

I’m blown away with how much planning and thought went into that. What an amazing night!!!

No one was there to wish me a happy 26th birthday but that’s all I was missing. Normally my birthday leaves me feeling lonely, unmotivated, sad and hopeless. Not this time. I felt so much joy and happiness and all around thankful.

I cannot believe how lucky I am.


Love. My. Life.

The Good Stuff 
Well me and my lady had our first big fight
so I drove around till I saw the neon light
at a corner bar just seemed right so I pulled up
not a soul around but the old bar keep
down at the end and looking half asleep
but he walked up and said what’ll it be
I said the good stuff
he didnt reach around for the whiskey
he didnt pour me a beer
his blue eyes kinda went misty
he said you cant find that here

It’s the first long kiss on the second date
and mama’s all worried when you get home late
and droppin’ the ring in the spagetti plate
cuz your hands are shakin’ so much
and its the way that she looks with the rice in her hair
eatin’ burnt suppers the whole first year
and askin for seconds to keep her from tearin’ up
yeah man thats the good stuff

He grabbed a carton a milk and he poured a glass
I smiled and said ill have some a that
we sat there and talked as an hour passed like old friends
saw a black and white picture and it caught my stare
it was a pretty girl with bouffant hair
he said thats my bonnie taken bout a year after we wed
He said I spent five years in the bar
when the cancer took her from me and
I’ve been sober three years now
and the one thing stronger than the whiskey

was the sight of her holdin my baby girl
the way she adored that string a pearls
I gave her the day that our youngest boy Earl
married his high school love
and it’s a new t-shirt sayin’ “I’m a grandpa”
and being right there as the time got small
and holdin’ her hand when the good lord called her up

yeah man thats the good stuff
it’s the good stuff.

when you get home she’ll start to cry
when she says sorry say so am i and look
into those eyes so deep in love and drink it up

Yeah man that’s the good stuff


My kids are amazing!

No seriously, they are.

I have watched them grow, obviously. But lately, they have really taken shape. I want to remember this feeling, so I must blog it. I must put it out there to always have to look back upon. Here’s what happened….

Jason bought a boat, and us girls have become boaters, quickly. It’s not the typical speed boat you see zooming along trailing screaming victims on inner tubes, but it has a wake board tower, so we knew the possibility was there. With us by his side, he bought an oversized inner tube platform thing and tow rope. Then it was time to experiment. We took some friends out for the first go, 6 adults, 7 children. Jo and Sav got to be the guinea pigs for trying this adventure out. We didn’t hook it up to the tower, just the back of the boat and sped off. It sunk, quickly. Well, just the front end so they managed to remain calm and balanced and on top of it as we dragged them back in with looks of horror on their face as the rest of us reassured them. We decided it needed more air, gave it some, had an adult try it out, it didn’t sink, voila! Although the girls were a little panicked, they were ready for another try. Off they went and I was so proud, they were so brave! I couldn’t believe either of them were up for another try, let alone both of them! Then they sank again, this time, both into the water! There were tears and an orange flag waving in the air so other boaters knew, but I was still so proud. We realized the error of our ways, it needed to be attached to the wake board tower. So we did some rearranging, hooked it up, and you’ll never guess who got back out there…..Jo. Barely done crying and she was ready for round 3! I’m happy to report, it was a very successful adventure and she definitely earned her water wings.

Jo used to refuse to go on slides, and even panicked if the swing got too high. Now she’s getting dunked in the water and going in for more, I cannot believe it! She talks to new friends quickly, laughs often, articulates incredibly, comprehends in a way no other 7-year old I have ever met can, and continues to surprise me daily. I am always amazed by her.

Savannah wouldn’t go back in the third time, and that’s okay. She was not only shaken up from getting dunked, it really scared her watching Jo fall in. Savannah tried to save her before she went down, and it caused her to lose her balance and you could see her instantly searching to make sure her sister was safe. That too is a way of growing. She has reached a point where she gets nervous when she isn’t sure if Jo is okay, and it’s a beautiful sight. There is so much love and compassion in her heart for her little sister, I couldn’t be more proud.

I hope I always remember what this feels like, this fantastic feeling of motherhood. In between the moments of selective hearing, messes, talking back, interrupting, and property damage, it’s great to have these memories to hold on to.

Savannah and Jo, I love you both so very much.


You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Here is what reminds me of you:

The color burgundy.

Board games. Pictionary to be exact.

Pat Benatar.

Oprah.

Hole in the wall teriyaki restaurants.

Red nail polish.

Love notes written in the sand.

 

Here is what reminds me to keep living, even when I want to give up, even when the tears won’t stop, even when my heart breaks:

You.

 

Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it covers them up, it makes getting through the day easier.

Every year when this dreadful day comes, I think I will cry less. That’s simply untrue. It still stings just as much.

I miss you.